dispirited

in the game, the status effect of dispiriting makes your character look lifeless and gloomy. the afflicted character cannot accumulate spirit points and needs to use a mind purifier to return to a healthier state. the mass produced mind purifier that i take every day seems to do shit all for my afflictions, whatever they are. you can say that i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, but actually, i started to feel this way last night.

now, don’t worry about why this happens to me, it can’t be determined at this point in time. there’s always a unique accumulation of psychological triggers that throw me back into this prison cell within my mind. i wonder, who built this inside my head, but then again, who gives a fuck? i know who built me, i know all the people who raised me, i know how too many shitty experiences in life have misshapen my personality, body and behaviours.

why am i blogging about this? when i fall into these depressive episodes, i want nothing to do with life. i am not able to remember good times of the past, i can’t conceive of my own creativity in the present, and i don’t want to look up at a future promising only so much more of this. i’ve tried to escape these periods of confinement in any way you can think of. and if your imagination is limited, just know there was a lot of substance abuse and mindless consumption of empty, secondary pleasures of life. when you’re actively being broken down as a child while your sole responsibility in life is to grow, well that leaves some pretty profound and lasting scars, not to mention being left stunted with reduced capacities to perceive or even live.

i do wonder now, are these episodes the same or different from the state of depersonalization & nervous system freezing that i also fall into

you start to hate yourself for falling so easily, into whatever episode or prison cell or simply, misalignment with reality. you hate yourself for not learning how to walk better, maybe you fall because of your anxious gait? but, it’s not actually a physical falling, it’s an entire system crash, just a hair short of a medical emergency. even then, the false boundaries within which you’ve been raised to live your life does not allow you to totally decompensate and access any serious help.

so, in this sadness, i permit my mind to wander & be free:

define: dispirited | having lost enthusiasm & hope, disheartened

define: disheartened | having lost determination & confidence, dispirited

define: spirit | the nonphysical part of a person, which is the seat of emotions & character, the soul

define: soul | the spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal, regarded as immortal
or, emotional or intellectual energy or intensity, especially as revealed in a work of art or an artistic performance

define: soulless | lacking human feelings & qualities

define: numb | deprived of the power of sensation, feeling or responsiveness

there’s a very angry side of me that i’m trying to encourage to come out from hiding behind all the sadness. i want to feel my childhood anger that was not only repressed and discouraged with a slap to the face, but was also weaponized against me. little bemusea was not allowed to feel anger (or anything, truly) but, what i was allowed to feel was the sting of a beating, the terror of watching siblings and cousins being harmed, and the soul wrenching horror when looking upon the seemingly calm face and the empty, remorseless eyes of the person(s) who committed these acts against us.

so, here’s my letter of dislove to those who have gravely harmed my spirit:

you don't fucking know what you've done to me because i don't think you were human and sentient and alive at the times that you harmed me. i distinctly remember how black and beady your eyes became when you would be so overcome by whatever the fuck it was that you were struggling with so badly. your very limited memory only serves to bolster your self-perception of righteousness and generosity when in reality, you have harmed me in ways that i'm still discovering over three decades later in life. you gave us everything you could and in doing so, you failed to filter out the intergenerational trauma that fucked with your own stunted development. you lost your family, your home, and your country, and how fucking ironic that you destroyed all those things for me, too, leaving me broken, apathetic and paranoid.

how terrifying to be abused by the very people who were meant to protect us. how disabling to feel so much pain, suffering and abuse in the heart of the home where you were supposed to belong, feel safe and grow. how horrifying to recall that as a very young child, all i wished for was to have never been born at all, to die in any possible way rather than to keep living with you. now, multiply that feeling of incredible anguish, guilt and helplessness by all the years since then. and, add the interest from all the times that i fooled myself into thinking that you've grown and changed and had become a better person. 

those short bursts of rage and violence were only tiny moments of your life, but for me, i am still haunted by them and i cannot function like a normal human being for days to weeks at a time. fuck, i've even had to accept that i have an invisible disability and now, i can't even work and provide for myself or my family. and, you'll even deny all the other moments of gaslighting, shaming and manipulating me just like you denied my individuality, self-expression and the simplest pleasures in life. you've degraded my self-esteem every single time that i worked so hard to build myself up again. yet, in front of your complicit community, you brandish me and my accomplishments like i'm your own hard-earned trophy. you've crushed my soul every single time i restarted my journey toward growth and healing and expansiveness. yet, you've grown very little since then - whatever remorse you don't feel, whatever guilt you lack and however much you may regret what you haven't done, well, who is really the one that remains misaligned with reality? 

the last time you physically beat me was exactly half my lifetime ago. you hit me so hard that you ripped out my earrings; what a treacherous gift from you. your hatred and acrimony spread so far that even my own siblings were complicit in harming me. memories of your abuses against me continue to plague me and knock me down from my seat of power, even in this stage of life. i've aged to become an adult but, without warning, i become crippled with fear and instantly revert back to being a helpless child again. i'm triggered by people, noises and events that remind me of you. and, you're not alone. it was not only your hand that harmed me, not only your poisonous words that decayed my self-esteem and confidence. the whole community that you wish with all your heart to belong to, the very same one that speaks ill of you and everyone associated with you; they have made me suffer, too, both directly and indirectly. 

your capacity for pain and destruction knows no limits. i see that you have other human sides to you, and i see how you suffer now, and it is out of self-respect that i stand back and stay clear of both helping and hindering you. i wish that you will have the opportunities to live a fulfilled life now, but i won't be around to witness it. i hope that you will live in good health, but i won't go out of my way to support you or your needs. i want nothing from you and even that's a generous neutrality from the victimized party. i'll take what happy moments we had and i'll treasure those because they felt miraculously impossible but they did happen and you can never take that away from me. finally, i promise that you will never be a part of my future.

then, as a young child, i could not do anything to save myself or others. your religious faith didn't stay your hand or hold your vicious tongue. the archaic family system didn't improve or repent. the social systems have failed us utterly. i have lived my life in such close proximity to you all (for it was not just you, but so many of you) but in every single moment, i felt abandoned. so, in turn, i relinquish my fears of any further abandonment, and i quietly, gracefully and peacefully, exit your life forever. peace be upon you and yours.

fuck.