from journaling, i’ve come to realize something about myself. i fall into what i like to call episodes, periods of intense emotional dysregulation that leave be disabled. i’m not exaggerating and i will not use a different word, disabled is correct albeit invisible to the naked eye (unless you’re my partner and you can somehow sagely divine my psychological status from my physicality, expressions and postures and discomforts)
i’ve also read in the primary literature on borderline personality disorder (BPD) that people suffering from this diagnosis also refer to these periods as episodes, so i’ll go ahead and call it that. i feel like we’re more used to hearing about manic or depressive episodes, which isn’t so far off, in my humble opinion. let’s catch up to my story. over a year ago, i had a private breakdown at work and i couldn’t return to work thereafter. during this time off, i saw many health care professionals and i got a better taste of what it is like to be the patient. right, because i’m usually the health care provider. i started external studies (external because they were not about me, just maybe pertaining to me) on psychological diagnoses and how they manifest. that’s basically a recipe for disaster because mental health diagnoses aren’t clear cut and easy to differentiate, although i’m sure all those in that field of study try their best to improve that acuity with each day of practice.
anyway, so i went down a proverbial rabbit hole. first, i started learning about narcissism because i had some unstable relationships and a deep, loathing emptiness inside. some people say that if you are looking into narcissism to self diagnose, you most likely do not suffer from this personality disorder. but, it may be normal to demonstrate some healthy traits of narcissism as it is a spectrum and balance is not necessarily in the middle (i think it’s around 20-30%). but, like we have all forgotten, Narcissus is not the only character in the myth. the often and all too easily forgotten nymph Echo, also played a role. or, more accurately, her whole identity and persona was erased in her obsession to connect to Narcissus, who could not connect with anyone, including himself.
fascinating, huh? you finally start accepting that you’re suffering from some sort of illness, and then you start on a quest to figure out how to heal. aside from knowing the specific daily details of your struggles, you really don’t know anything at all. and despite a prestigious degree in a health profession, i repeat, you really know shit all, even about what you think you do know from your daily practice. not to discredit anyone, but if we are to learn, we have to create space for it. when you do yoga, your goal is to keep breathing. as you move your body, you keep making space to breathe. learning is the same — make way and save space for new and challenging knowledge.
so, i did a few mental health questionnaires and saw my first ever psychiatrist. she flagged bipolar disorder, which is notoriously difficult to differentiate from BPD. down i hopped into another rabbit hole. i started listening to an audiobook this time and i started going on walks in the neighbourhood. but, mania is a special occurrence and i am not truly convinced that i’ve ever had a manic episode. rather, a consulting psychologist has basically convinced me out of considering this diagnosis. terrible, because the psychiatrist challenged the presumption and was still concerned. interesting, people not agreeing on anything and i’m left in the middle more confused than i started. i thought i just had some depression and then some adhd sprinkled in, but now i’m looking at how those two diagnoses fit within a more overarching and complex diagnosis.
but, where did i want to go with this? episodes. every time i plunged back into an episode, i am so sad to be alive. again, no exaggeration here. a new visual popped up into my brain display today of a crying baby that cannot be consoled. i think this is the first time that i had gone into an episode, i’m sure of it, as a newborn to an emotionally immature and underprivileged mother. she tried her best and i will also have love for that part of her, but she, not singlehandedly, raised me in an environment on constant fear. well, there goes any hope of my root chakra (muladhara) developing normally and left unscathed from a traumatic childhood.
so, in an episode, consider that you have most of your faculties, especially your ability to think, but what is impaired is your ability to believe. that’s right, fear antagonizes faith. i can hear someone reassuring me that everything will be okay, but i’m actually a little wisp of bemusea in my mind’s eye, watching as my body is on a terrible auto-pilot. this is called depersonalization, where you perceive that things are happening to you or your body, but not as a wholly integrated person, rather, as a witness observing yourself. it sounds confusing but that’s all you need to know, it’s a constant state of confusion. now, imagine me at work with an inability to accept reality in front of me. what if i mistakenly make a decision that affects a patient? and the constant fear of making a mistake in a system that just doesn’t fucking work. i digress . . .
let’s make one more mind leap together. last night, i (re)started a new book called eastern body, western mind by dr. anodea judith. this was recommended to me by my stellar massage therapist who has miraculous abilities and just the most wonderful personality. i heard in the audiobook today that massage is actually a really good way to balance your root chakra. i imagine it was reassuring and safe physical contact that reminds you of your right to exist and feel, well, safe. which, is exactly what i’m frantically searching for in an episode. my mind is telling me every theoretical way that things will not work out. well meaning friends and others have tried to verbally reassure me, but when you can’t accept reality as it exists before you, you start alienating yourself into thinking that you’re not safe around these people who aren’t picking up on the obvious and lurking dangers. and when i mean you, i actually mean me.
so, to wrap up this blog post and head over to my third ever massage therapy appointment, i want to conclude with a short reflection, affirmation and by setting an intention. here we go:
- reflection: i am grateful to past bemusea for not giving up and for striving to find better tools for coping and better ways of healing. none of this was easy, in fact every single day, there is a voice in my head that counters every thought of mine and questions my right to exist, to be free, to feel, to think, to create. so, by continuing blogging, i am effectively building up my strength and fighting back. when you grow up with intense violence in your home, yes, you do think that everything is a fight. before, i could just fight back and oppose people who i didn’t agree with and i was actually very successful in life, as a result. my mantra then was nod politely and do the opposite. but, that’s a very confusing way to live and i think i’ve confused my body as a result of trying to survive this way. the next time i find myself in an episode, i would like to ground myself by focusing on what fragments of fear that i’d like to leave behind. yes, i am finding solace from grief and loss by voluntarily giving up something that was negative to hold, a heavy burden and no longer functions to serve my needs. i hope, someone can ask me this next time in case i forget!
- affirmation: be it resolved that i grew up in poverty (this is so fucking hard to admit because i feel like i am shaming those who tried so hard to raise me, hence the guilt as a result of opposing values) and i suffered for the first few decades of my life (hint: i’m only a couple decades old). but that suffering illuminated so much more of the poverty that my community experienced and i, now, successful and able to meet my own needs, i can keep living and working and playing toward healing, growth and creation.
- intention: since i was able to have this incredible insight this morning, i can know look forward to this massage appointment as a celebration, rather than a treatment. thinking in this way permits my minds to think of every event or occasion as a celebration (mostly, for choosing to still be alive).
okay, shit, that was too heavy and i gotta leave for my appointment now. thank you for opening up your minds with me and i’ll counter this overwhelming felling of entrapment with another recipe. peace be with you!